FWD:

I hate shopping for clothes. H-A-T-E it. I'm at that akward size where you're too fat for skinny clothes and too small for plus size clothes. Fight as hard I can I just can't make it budge enough. My waist is small but my ass is big. Pants that fit my butt leave a gap in the waist. Right waist, misshapen butt. Big boobs, big arms means that regular sized tops are too tight. plus size tops are either completely with out form, or at plus size specialty stores way too big in the wrong places. I really really hate shopping. It's a big blow to my self esteem and way too frustrating. There are pleanty of fashionable plus size women, who shop at specialty stores that cater to their body type. There are many many more for the skinny people. But nothing for those in between. Do I need to resort to seeing a tailor? take these in here, here, and here, let them out here, and leave everything
else as it is? Sounds expensive.

Rolling My Eyes

R we in the 50's? On The Talk, they unvailed the must have gifts for women. Among the ites were a labler, with pink tape, a special steam iron, and diamond earings. Really? These are the must have's? These are certainly not the things on my wish list. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm lacking a domestic gene. I don't know what I want for christmas but I know what I don't want. They also had TiVo on the list. You know how we women get when we miss our stories! I mean come on!
This brings up the question, what should have been on that list.
1. Boots, sexy, lucious boots (hold the fur, this isn't Alaska)
2. A book. Yes a book by my favorite author shows that u know a little about me.
3. A big, flashy, fake, jeweled ring. A ring that makes a statement. A ring that says "here's ur way of striking up a convo with me."
4. a spa day!
5. A maid (for just one day would be enough)

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Why do certain things from the past haunt u forever? Sometimes they slink away into the darkness, but the tip of their tail can still be seen, swishing back and forth, biding it's time. sometimes these things pounce on you at very expected moments, like during a heated argument. Other times they sneek up on you, like during head. A brief almost playfull, swat across the face with it's giant paw, claws, thankfully, retracted. Just a "Hey, I haven't forgotten. Don't you forget either."

If there is a way of putting these bitches to rest, I haven't lived long enough to find out. All I know is that for now in a dark corner of both our minds it licks it's chops and swishes it's tail, biding it's time.

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When things nag me I can't write about things I want to write about. Now that I've gotten it out of my head I can focus on what I want to think about. The rest of the night at the party on Saturday was fine. I get annoyed at times and have either moments of clarity or insanity. You want to know what the real issue is? I'm so fed up with being the sexually dominant one. I'm fed up with making all the decissions, with being the leader. I've gone from one extrem to the other. Back in my younger (way younger) days things were done to me. I had no control, no say, in the matter. Once I became sexually active of my own free will I always had the say. The guys were content to just let me do my thing. I've come full circle, I've healed (mostly), and now I want both. I want to dominate and be dominated (not whips and paddles, though maybe sometimes). I don't need to feel in control
anymore. Now I'm ready for some balance. I practically beg for it and all I get are feeble attempts.

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at this swingers party but can't have fun. there is something off. has been off for a while. i'm hiding in the bathroom giving him time alone. for some reason i find myself in here contemplating the future of our marriage. i'm just not feeling it. period. i find myself wondering how the single life would feel. not to go out and party, but just to be me without him. to be me without his critical eye and closed minded opinions. what a place to be having these thoughts!

I have to wonder what teenagers think when they hear adults talk about their mental abilities. i caught a brief moment of the defense cross on a case where a teen shot a freshman student in the bathroom.
Makes my blood boil to hear "experts testifying about how the teenage brain is not able to ]ada yada. I was a teen once. I put my life at risk many many times. However I never put anyone else's life at risk. At 15 I refused to allow my friends to drive while high. We had to walk 2 miles to cure the munchies at the nearest am pm. I wanted nothing more than to drop a tab of acid. I didn't because someday I'd be driving down the street with my children in the car. The worst possible time for an acid flashback. If I was able to take into account children that haden't been born yet, the lives of strangers on the street, I was certainly capable of considering the lives of fellow students while planning mass murder. Teenagers everywhere must cringe everytime experts testify.

What is the name of my alter ego? Well I'm not sure yet. I don't even know exactly all that she encompasses but I have a few ideas. My alter ego is always sexy. She is always Confident. She is also a social butterfly. She likes talking to new people and getting to know them. She can swoop in and accomplish in seconds what it may take a guy all night to get. She see's what she wants and goes after it. She sets goals and fights to achieve them. This alter ego of mine lives life to the fullest, and loves to make fun memories.

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Restless! We are finally in escrow, and should be closing in the next 4 to 6 weeks. I can't wait to finally be in my own house. To sit in my window seat with a book and a cup of coffee. To cook a meal in my kitchen, on my stove, and to sit down as a family (as we always do) and eat that first meal in our own home. To smile and giggle and argue around the table in a home that belongs to us. In a home that is the begining of the second part of our lives. The part where we start our nest egg for retirement. Buying this home is the first stepping stone. A whole new life awaits. This is all those late night talks about our future, all the planning comes to fruition. As happens with all periods of change, I am a little hesitant. Dreams don't come true for me. I keep waiting for some bad news that will hault the closing. I'm hesitant yet hopeful.

xoxo

don't marry a player. don't fall in love with one either. maybe i'm wrong, maybe it isn't just players, but it seems that all they want when they hit middle age is to prove to themselves that they've still got it. maybe if someone gives them a little attention they believe that bald spot on the back of their head isn't that noticible (it is) or that their gut doesn't protrude as far as they fear (it does). they may believe that all they want is someone besides their wife or girlfriend to want them. but they want more than that. they want to return to their glory days. everyone would like to turn the clock back. i know i do. so many decisions i would have made differently.

correction... i didn't mean to say a mother in need of stress. I ment to say in need of some stress relief =)

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" in the words of an old school friend." oh lordy lordy lordy. it's one of those days. one of those days where chucking ur kid out the car window sounds like a reasonable idea. It's hot, I'm stressed, the last thing I want to deal with right now is a cranky 5 year old. When my now freshmen then kindergartner and his little sister would work my nerves I'd threaten to put them on ebay. Never in a mean way, always trying to lighten the mood. Remember the starfish from finding nemo? she was from ebay. I stopped using that joke when a mom actually put her child on ebay. These days when everyone has a camera phone anything u say can and will be used against you. Whether or not you've been read your miranda rights. Leaves very little room for joking with your kids about chucking them out the car window or selling them on ebay. So what is a mother of the 21st century to do when in the
need of some stress? Maybe that is why our society is on depression medication. We can't laugh anymore

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Random Naughty thoughts
The music is loud and the vibrations seem to tease me in just the right way. Enjoying my buzz and checking out the hotties while my body moves to the music. Ooo there's one. Long red hair, blood red lips, smokey eyes... an enchanted moment between us as we look each other over. She smiles, picks up her drink and walks over. Words don't need to be spoken. She leans in for the kiss and my wanting moth meets hers. She tastes fruity and intoxicating. She is forcefull and agressive in her kisses and I surrender myself over to her. I can feel her guiding me back towards the wall as we shuffle our feet to the music. Her tongue teases my lips and tongue. I feel the wall against my back and she pounces. Taking both my hands up along the wall to meet above my head. Taking both of mine in one of hers she slips her free hand up my blouse, to cup one braless breast. I arch my back and moan wanting
to feel her hungry mouth upon my breasts. She bites and begins to feed.

Boring Minutiae

I'm quite sure I've blogged about this before. I don't claim to be some great writer... at least not out loud, but I'm sick of looking for interesting reads only to come up with blogs that are more boring than conversations I've overheard in the grocery store.

When you write, if you don't have a point to make, and all you want to do is share a little bit of your life with someone else, at least share something interesting!! I don't care that the cake you believe you decorated so beautifully was hated by the customer only to have her come back and apologize and say she loved it. or that you so cleverly deduced that she only loves it now because everyone else loved it.

Remember that old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."? well change nice to important or interesting and it applies.

I like venting blogs too. The one's where the writer has nothing nice to say, and says it with lots of attitude and curse words. I don't want to read someones boring politically correct work. No body is perfect and I don't want to read the work of someone who so painstakingly sets about to appear as if they are.

I want to get a sneak peek at the writer through their work. Show off your imperfections or controversial stances. Tell me you once stuck a pin on the teachers chair, you once stole candy from the liquor store. Tell me something that is going to entertain me during my down time!

I'm in search of more! Something more! I don't know what, but I know where I'm not finding it! Where are my favorite bloggers at? Where are your stories?

I can't belive how positively giddy I am! The hunt for a home is finally looking up! We have two sellers wanting to accept our offers. I'm inspired to complete and edit a story I wrote a few months ago to submit for an anthology. I'm feeling optimistic, which is new for me! I think I like it! All is right with the world!

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Mmm... got really high last night. Lots of ideas for naughty stories as well as just funny shit. There are levels of conscienceness in an altered state. Last night I was able to drift through them at will.
The biggest problem artists face is self doubt. Your personal critic sits on ur shoulder whispering in ur ear. He tells u ur work is crap. U believe him. Getting high is like taking that critic and locking him, bound and gagged in a closet. Ur mind wanders and brings back all these wonderful tidbits of ideas for further exploration. Like a fisherman, u'll toss back ideas that just aren't right. But the ones that are! oh the ones that are are brilliant! They just fall into place as if the mythical pool from which all writers drink is a real thing. There is no second guessing, no doubts, no struggling. It just FLOWS! Makes u feel like u truely are just a vessel. Amazing,an altered state can help u understand humanity through it's writings. In the end that is all that is left. Words.

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Spiritually I belong in a different time. I should have been listening to acid rock, dancing naked, and enjoying a high afternoon. It's been a long time since hippies walked the streets, but it's time for a new revolution. Can't you feel it? The disquiet in the nation? People losing hope, unhappy with the way things are, with where things are going. children unsure about their future. How long will people continue down society's path before they realize there isn't one? How long before people realize that there is always the possibility of something else. For those that are brave enough, reckless enough, and crazy enough to do it. I don't know where my path is anymore. I used to. used to be able to see it quite clearly opening up in the grass before me where THC unloced the door and I walked through. Unlocked the noise in my mind and let me see what I wanted. Let me speak freely and
create without boundries. The time will come again.

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Let's update shall we? The thing with the virgin fizzled out. We did go out one more time but it was meah. Insanity is behind me. I hated the super intensity of it and lack of results. We wrote an offer on a house, so we'll see how that goes. I haven't pieced together work for my naughty book but I will start working on that. We go to two swinger parties this week. My goal for that is to flirt with people. Vodka and OJ should help with that. Motherhood is draining my life's energy, thats not an update, just a fact of life! The kids are doing great in school and looking forward to the possible move. I have mixed emotions over it, which are probably tied to my refusal to grow up. I'll update you on how the parties went. goodbye for now.

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I'm a sex fiend. I have close to 1,000 orgasms every year. Yes, just about 3 per day, most days. most of those are achieved flying solo and without mechanical aid. The cost of batteries and replacing gadgets who's motors burn out on me can be pretty expensive.
It all started with that first toe curling orgasm I shared with my friend "X" in 2nd grade. I don't just love the orgasm. I love the whole thing. The build up, the anticipation, the caresses, and the act. I live my life constantly aware of my sexuality and the pleasures i can derive from it. I wear revealing tops because I love to look down at my own succulent cleavege. I walk through the mall looking at all the sexy people and delighting in fantasies of being pulled into a secluded hallway and feeling their hungry mouths fall upon my nipples. I may indeed be an addict, but this is an addiction that I don't want to give up. There are too many girls I haven't experienced yet. I'm having fun and as of yet am not hurting anyone.

I've seen it over and over again, a group of people hanging out together, where most are texting. Not just a quick text, close the phone and put it away. They are carrying on full blow conversations with people that aren't there while tuning out the conversation going on aroud them. That is of course if the one or two people not texting are able to carry one on. Iv'e seen husbands ignoring wives and children at Disneyland. More content to text than to see their daughters face light up as the Dumbo ride begins. What is going on? People seem to be losing the ability to actually talk to one another. Soon text words will replace real words on kids school assignments. It happens to me from time to time. Is technology better for us? Hundreds of people in our contact lists, in some cases thousands on our friends list. All for what? People you will not meet and who provide you with nothing more
than confirmation you are popular, witty, or beautiful. I know I'm guilty of all of the above. Scary

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Goals. What are my goals right now? Well writing... and losing weight... and definately having more fun. The weight loss is under control, the writing comes and goes, but the having more fun has become difficult. I will not start going out without Alex. I don't want to cause drama in my life. The other problem hindering all the fun is meeting girls. I really need to work on flirting. I never really mastered it, I didn't need to. That was one of the things I loved about Jayme. She was such a natural. A true social butterfly. Now if all of that came from the bottom of an addios m*f* thats another issue. But ah how I wish I possed that talent. All the girls I would fuck, all the free drinks I would score. Thats something I want to work on.

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sometimes clubbing sucks. usually thats when we are clubbing alone. there is no convo. no flirting. just him and i. bored of each other. i hate when this happens. i'd rather be at home with him passed out and me in la la fantasy land.

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I have to wonder what am I doing? Do these things ever work out? Is it worth my time? I don't know the answers. I'd like to think that if nothing else it's a way to pass the time. I'd like to think that the current girl I'm talking to is going to be the next one in my bed. I think that with every girl. This one in particular is the 3rd one this month. This one is different though. She's a virgen. Which I think makes her an unlikely candidate. I don't think even in her wildest dreams she thought her first time would be a threesome. I think she's just intrigued by my experiences and wonders what it would be like. Even if nothing comes of it, I'll come away with a new perspective and story idea. Who knows? She may never have thought her first time would be with a guy and girl, but that doesn't mean it won't be. She likes me, she met Alex, he's sweet and non threatening. Either way I'm
excited to see what happens.

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I've seen it over and over again, a group of people hanging out together, where most are texting. Not just a quick text, close the phone and put it away. They are carrying on full blow conversations with people that aren't there while tuning out the conversation going on aroud them. That is of course if the one or two people not texting are able to carry one on. Iv'e seen husbands ignoring wives and children at Disneyland. More content to text than to see their daughters face light up as the Dumbo ride begins. What is going on? People seem to be losing the ability to actually talk to one another. Soon text words will replace real words on kids school assignments. It happens to me from time to time. Is technology better for us? Hundreds of people in our contact lists, in some cases thousands on our friends list. All for what? People you will not meet and who provide you with nothing more
than confirmation you are popular, witty, or beautiful. I know I'm guilty of all of the above. Scary

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Goals. What are my goals right now? Well writing... and losing weight... and definately having more fun. The weight loss is under control, the writing comes and goes, but the having more fun has become difficult. I will not start going out without Alex. I don't want to cause drama in my life. The other problem hindering all the fun is meeting girls. I really need to work on flirting. I never really mastered it, I didn't need to. That was one of the things I loved about Jayme. She was such a natural. A true social butterfly. Now if all of that came from the bottom of an addios m*f* thats another issue. But ah how I wish I possed that talent. All the girls I would fuck, all the free drinks I would score. Thats something I want to work on.

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Working out sucks! I hate dreading the workout. I hate working out during the workout. The only part I like is being done.
Doing the Insanity workout is even worse. It's just go go go. My calves are on fire my quads are on fire and the arches of my feet KILL me. It's been a little over 2 weeks. By now I expected to not be sore anymore. But because it's so intense I'm working out at max ability and it's just a new soreness every day.
Right now the biggest problem I'm facing is my candy cravings. I just can't seem to keep my hands off the junk food as long as there is some in the house. Chocolate is the worst! I'm ok for most of the day, but once it hits like 3 o'clock thats it it's over. I guess thats something I need to work on for the remaining 45 days.
Ahhh... only 45 days of torture left. Well I'll be sure to fill you in on how it went... if I survive ;)

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revising my goals for 2010. There is only one way to make progress in life. That is, you figure out where you want to be and then plot your course. For example. In 08 I wanted a girlfriend. well I got one. An alcoholic one that I regretted but I still got one. In 09 i really wanted to lose weight. I started P90X in April and lost 25 lbs. There were pleanty of other things I wanted those years as well. But those were the ones I fought for. What do I want now is the question. Well I want
1 lose 25 more lbs
2 a JOB
3 a house
4 get something published!
5 i want to have more fun
Now I just need to focus on doing it. Make sure I keep my eyes on the prize and work to get there. I usually tend to be single minded in the persuit of a goal. This time I really need to focus on them all.

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I'm all stressed out over taxes. Being self employed sucks big time. Adding up tons of receipts and prayin you didn't make a mistake is torture. Add to that the fact that we want to buy a house this year and I'm leaving out some of the deductions we deserve for qualifying sake. But if we end up paying the tax man all our savings we won't be able to qualify anyway. If we take all our deductions we may end up with some money back... but may not qualify. all this stress sucks! When we got home from our appointment with the tax preparer, Damien put it all into perspective for me. We're just rats. Hairless ones to be exact. isn't that the truth. Some things don't really matter. Scribbling on the sidewalk in chalk and pretending to be a hairless rat is what really matters in the end. It isn't where we play but how we play that makes us happy. I'll worry about the taxes once they are done.
for now I'll just enjoy the moment

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I'm going to start a new work out program on saturday! I'm excited (obviously), because this is a 63 day program. When we did P90X it was easy to keep at it because I knew I was only putting myself through hell for a limited time. This time it'll be worse than hell... but only for 63 days. i can survive that. What I'll do afterward is the question. Once we completed P90X it was impossible to do it over again and be faithful to it. Part of the problem is I can't fool myself saying it's only x many days left. Part of it is that during the winter months it gets dark earlier so that phsycologically I just feel tired when I see it's so dark out. I hope that now that the daylight is lasting longer I'll have more energy.
This time when we finnish it'll be just in time for Alex's birthday. That's motivation enough. I really want to take him to the opera, and I'd love to be in a new smaller little black dress when I do.

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Do u ever get tired of the bullshit online? I do. I'm tired of being bombarded by the minutia of everyone's daily lives. I'm sure I'm just as guilty. I read the question, "What's on ur mind?" and I'm compelled to write something, anything. Why is that? Why do we feel the need to connect with others in this forum? We may pass dozens of people on the street, in the mall, at the store and never say hello. We rush home to our computers and reah out to perfect strangers. Somtimes our sense of self worth is tangled up in it. Did they accept? Did they comment on my witty remark? Did anyone miss me so much that they wrote me a message or commented on my page?
What the hell is happening to us? We shun the people we see every day. We find it difficult to reach out to real people we can sit and talk to. We are losing our ability to connect with real people. Prefering tht safety and annonymity of the internet. If this is what happend to us in the past 15 years what does that say for the next?

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I love my husband but after 5 days at home with him, I've been in desperate need of me time. I need some time to unplug. Time I used to get while I was at work. God I miss working!
I miss talking to adults, feeling important, earning my own money, paying my own bills. I don't like feeling like I have to depend on someone else. I've never liked feeling like I had to depend on someone else. It's dangerous to depend on someone else that way. That's a lot of power to give to someone else. When you don't have the money you would need to get away. You end up having to put up with all kinds of bullshit. I did put up with bullshit in the past. bullshit from my mother, even bullshit from my prince charming back when he wasn't so charming. I no longer need to make as much as him to keep the balance of power in check. Now we ARE partners, instead of pretending to be. We no longer try to maintain a leg up on the other, but maintaining a bit of independance is absolutly essential to survival!

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FWD:

What am I going to say today? Well to start off with I've been talking to a few girls. However I feel like I'm waisting my time. Most of these girls aren't serious about meeting up. Or they are but they have a boyfriend, or girlfriend. I'm not interested in hooking up with a couple. I don't want any drama either. One of the girls I'm talking to said I'm like a guy, and I guess I am. I'm not looking for love. I just want to have fun. I don't play games with the girls I see. They know I talk to other girls. They know what I want. Why is it hard to find other girls like me?
Sometimes I find it so exhausting! I can't sit back and wait for girls to hit on me. I have to go out and hit on them. Since I've never really dated before I find it tiresome. I have the most fun hooking up with girls in a club and leave it at that. No exchange of numbers. Shit sometimes I don't even know their names. But that way there is no will she call, should I call? It's just wow last night was fun.

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threesomes arent always what u want them to be. sometimes the fantasy is better. sometimes the 3rd wheel has drama. i never think about that. i dont have guilty feelings about cheating because as defined in our relationship i'm not. even when he's not there. but the girls that i date have boyfriends or girlfriends. I wish rhey'd be honnest with their partner so i dont have to go home all horny because they feel guilty half way through. Maybe I'm in the wrong cuz their is someone that can be hurt by it. but i dont want a girlfriend. i just want to have fun and so do they. they cant get jealous of my man or the other girls i hook up with cuz they have their own. it leaves me drama free... at least untill their girl finds out and starts calling me a home wrecker! i know its wrong but i dont really care. i'm just going to do what i want. my policy is to be honest. if u dont tell ur girl oe
ur guy what ur up to then thats on u. not me. next time make me cum before ur conscience kicks in!

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so things have been going really good. i've been getting over the shyness.. chatting with random people and hitting on girls. right now there are strong potentials.. one of them is a sure thing. I dont like juggling too many and put the other 3 on the back burner. Maybe I'll get to them later though i'm sure when i put them on the back burner it was because i wasn't that into them to begin with. I still try to add more though. every time we go out i keep an eye out for any one that i find attractive. when we went to aqua there was someone that caught my attention. seemed like there was a moment. but i wasnt brave enough to jump on it. i hesitated. and when i finally worked up my nerve i couldn't find her. some funny music comes on a change from the hip hop they had been playing. a burlesque show begins. and who is the dancer? the woman i spent most of the night looking for. well
then it seemed too late. i didnt want to seem sleezy like the guys that were drooling over her.

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i haven't written anything in a while. I miss it so much! I miss grabbing onto an idea and getting it on paper. Even when the ideas don't go anywhere. It just feels so good to reread them later. It takes me back to the moment i wrote it and i can remember exactly how i felt. so my goal right now is to just write whenever and whatever i want. maybe submit some more of my work and get something published this year.

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