When things nag me I can't write about things I want to write about. Now that I've gotten it out of my head I can focus on what I want to think about. The rest of the night at the party on Saturday was fine. I get annoyed at times and have either moments of clarity or insanity. You want to know what the real issue is? I'm so fed up with being the sexually dominant one. I'm fed up with making all the decissions, with being the leader. I've gone from one extrem to the other. Back in my younger (way younger) days things were done to me. I had no control, no say, in the matter. Once I became sexually active of my own free will I always had the say. The guys were content to just let me do my thing. I've come full circle, I've healed (mostly), and now I want both. I want to dominate and be dominated (not whips and paddles, though maybe sometimes). I don't need to feel in control
anymore. Now I'm ready for some balance. I practically beg for it and all I get are feeble attempts.

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