Had a great time last night. I hooked up with this great chick. But what do you do now? What comes after that initial hookup? Do people really follow rules for dating? What are you supposed to do when receiving a compliment? We went to a swingers party and a woman said I was beautiful. What should you say back? She was not my type and not attractive to me. Am I supposed to lie and say you too? I don't want to give her false hopes and I don't want to sound insincere either. I did say thank you. And shied away. I want to be more comfortable in social settings, to be able to work the room. To feel confident enough to be able to walk up to a girl I find attractive and hit on her. As it stands right now I'm too shy to do it. If I keep this up I'm only going to be hooking up with the more mature women that have realized there is no harm in giving it a shot. I don't want to wait till I'm in my
40's to say "I don't give a fuck the worst she can do is say no". I need to just take that leap.

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I hope my head doesn't get so large that it floats away. We went to a swingers party last night and I have to say it was the best on yet. There were many many hot chicks, hot couples.

A swingers party is a totally different atmosphere than a club or some other place you might go to pick up on someone. Obviously everyone there shares something in common with you. But there needn't be this covert checking out of the hotties, though girls are more under cover about it by nature. I had a blast and as I saw so many guys checking me out and a couple of girls too, and getting complimented I realized I was one of the hotties there. It felt really strange to suddenly believe it. I know I'm cute but never believed myself to be hot. There is always that voice in the back of my head saying there is something bad about me. It felt so good not to have that voice and for a little while to be one of the hotties.

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What will it be today? Well I'm not sure yet but usually this is the way it goes. Do you ever wonder what motivates people? I'm at the park pushing my son on the swing and looking like one of those jerks that are texting 24/7. I'm also people watching. There are many different people, of different ages, races and sexes. There is an older man with his grandson, a father with his two kids, a pregnant woman with her young daughter. I see these people and wonder what they are thinking about. Wonder what their lives have been like. Wonder if any of these people are hiding secrets. Have ever commited a dispicable act. The law of averages would suggest so. Which ones then? Who among these park goers is a raging alchoholic? Isn't this one of the things a writer should do? Observe, speculate, create? So I'll just stand here and watch as the sun begins it's decent in the sky. Watch as my son's
shadow grows longer and longer. Watch and create.

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So I wrote a little today but didn't make any progress on my story. Writting here and writing there is progress nonetheless. I love it here cuz I'm limited to 1,000 characters. Makes me stay on point and get to it quickly. Putting yourself out there in your writting is a scary thing. A little piece of you is in each character you create and their experiences to some extent are your experiences.
Sometimes I leave my work unfinished because I don't want to expose myself. Fear of ridicule, fear of failure, fear of letting people in. There is oh so much I've gone through that people are unaware of. I know my biggest fear is in not being believed. It's scary to think that I'm not the only one that feels this way. How many others know what its like to be an object of desire since their earliest childhood memories? How many know all to well what man can do? How many spent a lifetime blaming themselves? I know I can help those who know, through my writing, but i'm afraid. I know I must.

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How does one go about finding Heaven when you live in hell? I don't think I'm able to answer that. I try every day. Sometimes with success. =)
But usually it seems like a losing battle. Hell is all in my head, and Heaven is all around me. How do you get out of your head long enough to notice it? How do you shut up the critic that sits on your shoulder and whispers in your ear? That's the magic question isn't it?
I don't know the answers to my questions but I'm on a journey to find out. I guess it may always be this way for me. When ever things are going well I'll find a way to sabotage it. Misery loves company, they say and boy isn't that the truth?
There are two of me in my head. The happy pretty one with the great hubby and great kids. Then there is the other one that is short tempered jealous and spiteful. The bad me was created out of pain. Out of being abused, used, and treated like trash by the ones that were supposed to love and protect her. She is angry and can't let go.

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Well perhaps the man hating mood has passed. I still believe my discription to be accurate but I'm not upset about it. Maybe because last night He was so sweet. Maybe because he took me in his arms looked me in the eyes and smiled that sweet smile that can melt butter. He kissed me and said, "I love you". I'm pretty easy to please right? Then later he climbed up and straddled me while I was sitting on the sofa. He nuzzled his face against my neck and kissed me tenderly. What else can a girl ask for?

Sometimes it bothers me to think of my man out there flirting with women. Sometimes it doesn't. I know that my man really does love me in a way he's never loved anyone. Even if he had sex with someone else, it wouldn't be as good as when we are together. It would be just sex. When we have threesomes I like to watch him fucking another girl. There is something about it that drives me wild. There isn't even the tinniest bit of jealousy. It would be another story if he did it behind my back.

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The theme of the day seemed to be how men are led around by their cocks. I try hard to believe that my man does't follow the rest but thats bullshit. He's a man like all men. It seems there comes to be a point in time where men think if they don't use it on anyone that'll give them a shot. I'm sure this phenomena doesn't only afflict those with penises... But for me, there's no pleasure in fucking someone I don't have feelings for. Lust will carry me through the first few minutes. But after that I'm wondering how to get the fuck outta there without hurting someones feelings. Am I the only one on earth that feels this way? Like if the hottest chick or hottest guy wanted me but there was something about them I'm not digging I can't get any pleasure out of the fact that I'm fucking them. No matter how much I'm like one of the guys. Thats one thing I can't do. Hooking up for the sake of
hooking up. I just can't get off unless there is some sort of connection.

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Today was a great day. So why have I been so up and down today? I'm not sure. I don't know whats going on but it's better to stop trying to figure out the reason why and just try to lift myself up. You know that really does work. Faking it until you make it. I've done it before. changed things about myself that I didn't like. I can do it again. I've come so far! This funk that I've been in probably has a few causes, but the result is the same. Thats what I need to change. The way I feel about myself. I'm hot! Most of the time I don't feel like it's true. I don't see myself the way I am. When I look in the mirror usually I see the broken worthless little girl I grew up believing I was. I know that I'm not but it's so engrained in me. Knowing something and believing something are two different animals. But just like I've changed other things I'll change this too. I know it won't be easy
or happen overnight but it will happen. All I have to do is lie to myself long enough.

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Some days are better than others. Last night was bad but today is going to be better. I have everything I want. A husband that loves me, great kids, everything that matters most to me. Is it fair to them when I'm upset over things that don't matter? People that mean nothing to me? I've walked in hell for to long... I've carried burdens that weren't mine. After seeking justice I thought "Poof, everything will be better." But it wasn't that easy. Seeing him in prison attire didn't lift it. Knowing he would be branded a monster even after he served his time didn't lift it. Knowing he shouldn't be able to hurt anyone else still didn't lift it. I'm still that little girl inside that blames herself and wonders what she did wrong to deserve this life. Little by little I've been able to chip away at it. But I wonder if I'm dragging the pieces around behind me and whenever something goes wrong I
heave them back up onto my shoulder and have to start all over again. I don't want to do it anymore.

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I walk in hell everyday. My past shackled to my leg like Marley's ghost and his chains. Try as hard as I can I can't escape it. When I least expect it, it finds me. Am I really so bad that I don't deserve peace? What did I do so wrong that I'll be cold in the ground before the rummors and lies cease to be spoken by those that are family. No one seems to care that I was hurt. that I desereved to be protected. That the person that turned my world upside down needed to be brought to justice. There will be no one to thank me for saving them from my fate. No one knows what really happened or how bad it was. That the family chose to rally around him, to throw their support in his corner wasn't a surprise. The surprise was how badly it would hurt. How terrible it feels to be doing the right thing and be stoned for it. Why do I care? Why does it hurt? Why can't I hold my head up high with
pride, for I have overcome. Why can't I just say FUCK YOU BASTARDS!! ??

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