The Assignment

I opened my email today and found an assignment waiting in my inbox. I hate assignments. Mostly because I hate being told what to do, but also because I don't have very good control over my emotions. If I'm angry and in a dark place, please don't ask me to write about puppy dogs and rainbows and expect that it's going to be a happy tale.

This time the assignment is asking us to write like we were able to conquer the fears that were plaguing us last time, which is great for me since I have. The sender also let it be known that smut was a plus, which made me wonder if she had a window into my mind.

I want to say that peeking into my mind must have been like wandering through catacombs. There are lots of dark passageways, murky pools of water you must wade through in order to get a good look around, and the rooms! Ah, the rooms where my many personalities lurk. Last week the lost, sad, insecure little girl ruled the roost. This week, well, this week's escapee is my dirty little whore of an alter ego.

More often than not you'll see a devilish smirk on my face when I'm in this zone. I think a lot, and talk very little. I'm very much in my own head when she's in control. I can't walk by a mirror without admiring my curvy figure, black hair, smokey eyes. In this mood, I lust after myself. In this mood I own the adjectives striking and exotic. I don't stomp about in my heavy doc martin boots, I slink like a cat. I see things that usually go unnoticed. I feel the eyes on me. I don't just see them looking at me, I notice that the moment they look at me, they hold their breath, they pause mid conversation, their eyes widen ever so slightly.

I don't always command such a reaction. It's only when she's in control. Wait. This is weird, it's weird to be talking about myself saying she. I may be one of many, but right now as I type, I am the one in control. I've seized the reins and have literally locked the others away for now. I'll tell you quite proudly that I'm un-fucking-stoppable. I am the baddest bitch in this house and there is nothing and no one that I can't have.

Let me loose! Let me roam, and prowl, and hunt. Let me slink about the club with the self satisfied smile on my face and fucking hunt!!! Take me to the Abby and watch me work. Watch me as I effortlessly find myself dancing with a beautiful girl. Watch as she puts her small delicate hands on me. Her pale hands on my waist as she bites her lip and looks up at me. Watch as I kiss her. Watch as I awaken something primal inside of her. Watch as I cast my spell. It's dark and crowded on the dance floor, but still I know her face is flushed. I can feel the warmth rising off her cheeks. Watch as her hands slip up, from my waist to my breasts. She has forgotten where she is, and that her friends are watching. She has forgotten that she doesn't even know my name.

Even if she could remember all these things right now, it wouldn't matter. She wants me. She wants to feel me, she wants to taste me, and as her lips leave mine and her busy little hands search for my breasts and her hungry little lips are not far behind, I strain my neck so that I can bite hers. Lucky for you, right now you reside inside my head. Lucky for you you get to feel my teeth against her neck. You get to feel her sudden exhale on my breasts. You can even feel how my nipples tingle as they constrict.

Doesn't that feel good? You can feel it, right? Enter my head, it's ok. You hear the music? So loud, and yet at the same time so far away. It's her breath that's doing it. The hot quick puffs alternating from her mouth and nose, and the feeling of her lips on my skin. Soft plump lips gently sucking and searching. Her fingers desperately tugging against the collar of my shirt so she can run her tongue over my nipples.

Feel the softness of her skin as my hand slips up her shirt. Her body is hot, and my hands are cold leaving a trail of goosebumps behind in my wake.

Sorry to leave you stranded!! I should have finnished writing instead of wandering off to have sex. Now I can't pick it up where I left off no matter how hard or long (it's been a few days) I try. The bad ass bitch said fuck u peeps I'm tired and slunk off to bed. I don't know when she'll be back, but since I do know she's only interested in the now, she's not going to come back and finnish this. Instead she'll be daydreaming of vampires, or steam punk, or wild orgies, or all three.

Promises

I'm here cuz I promised myself I would come. It's 4 minutes shy of midnight as this post gets started and so It still counts as Wednesday's post.

I promised myself I would come here everyday. Promised that I would get something anything onto the screen. I make myself a lot of promises. Sometimes I keep them even when I don't want to, like now. Mostly, I just say aww fuck it! and do something else instead.

You know like losing weight. There's only one way to do it, eat right and exercise. Staying on the sofa is so much easier, and dark chocolate is so tasty! So hard to keep that promise. Especially when getting high during the day leaves me with the munchies all afternoon and evening. So here is another promise. Next time I get high during the day, I have to prep only healthy snacks to munch on before I take the first toke...

Our weed walks are really interesting. Sometimes I psychoanalyze her, sometimes I psychoanalyze myself, and sometimes we laugh so hard it hurts. It's funny to see the parallels in our lives, and also the differences. Makes me feel better to know everyone has shit to deal with, but you do, and move on.

Here's another promise that we made. No bitching when we walk. While we were walking down the street high as hell and laughing our asses off, I realized that the only females I ever see walking down the street and laughing like idiots are teenagers. Everyone else uses their daily walk with a friend just to bitch about the latest unimportant, uninteresting crap that happened since they last saw each other. We vowed we wouldn't and we promptly broke that promise.

It's ok though, as long as we stick to our promise more often than not it's all good

Third day in a row! Lets hear it for the new record!! Had the most amazing sex last night. I was faded, and after the first orgasm I realized that I was still really horny. Usually I'm too sensitive to go again so quickly, but it felt good and since he needed time to recover I just laid back and explored myself.

I'd never really taken the time to get to know the territory down there. Weird huh? Especially with all the sex I have, and all the solo sex on top of that I should be a pro. I'm not. It's a sensitive spot and I usually just go with the tried and true.

Last night I let my fingers slip between my pussy lips and feel the silky delicate parts of my sex. Let my finger tease my clit, felt as the slippery wetness spread, and my finger followed to parts unknown. Felt how perfectly it all fit together. I took my time and enjoyed every moment of it, imagining what it would feel like to have a girl with some serious skills touch me in all the right places.

After a while thoughts drifted back to the hubby and I wished we could fuck again. Then I realized that there was nothing stopping us but my own inaction. I worried it would go bad. What if I lost interest? What if he did? But my fears were unfounded. We both found our second wind and round 2 was just as good.

When round 2 was over, I was still filled with naughty sexual fantasies and realized I was aching to write, and so that's how I found myself up till 3 a.m. writing about it.

And now, with only 3 hours of sleep I'm here again. Doing what had been impossible only a few days ago.

Clocking In

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become a master of your craft. What ever that craft may be. So this is me plugging in my time for today. I took a little me time today. Usually when my honey is home from work I get to just follow him around like a puppy dog all day. This time I went about my regular routine of cleaning up before going on my walk with a friend. She didn't want to walk today, but I wanted desperately to get out of the house and chat with someone I don't see all the time.

Plus I wanted to get faded and reflect on my own thoughts for a little bit. So I did, and I did. Hearing some of the crazy drama she's seen makes me feel better about my own. Everyone goes through crazy and boring shit. I'm not the only weirdo. I just have to write. Sit down here and pluck away at the keys till it starts pouring out of me again.

I can write myself happy, sad, or horny depending on what I'm writing. Usually I go with my mood, but sometimes I can go against it. It's a bit like pulling teeth, but when I'm in the writing groove I can pull it off. Too bad I'm not there yet. Right now, I feel all over the place, and right now my writing is all over the place too.

Sorry you had to come here and read this less than inspiring post, but like I said I'm just punching in the clock. Now it's time to clock out.

I used to blog a lot. I can't even begin to tell you what went wrong. Did life get boring? Have I turned shy? Maybe I decided it was time to keep some stuff private. I don't know the reason. What I do know is that it has become almost impossible to start doing it again. I have deleted numerous posts that have contained anywhere from one to two sentences to several paragraphs. I've even deleted all content from several blogs.

I miss writing. I miss sitting down in front of my computer and letting my fingers help me work through my shit. Old shit, new shit, awesome shit, scary shit. Something from my past nagging me? Just like a masseuse working on a troublesome knot, my fingers help me work it all out. I always came away feeling happier, calmer, and satisfied. Lately the opposite is true.

Writing sucks right now. It feels like writing and I have been intimate for so long. Writing knows all my deep dark secrets. You know, the ones you regret sharing. You know what happened next. It became awkward. After awkward comes the break up. Is that what this is? Are we at the break up stage? Or will I cling to this relationship like a virgin will cling to the first guy she bangs?

Here's another question, why are there so many questions in this post? Usually I ask and answer as I go. Usually I figure it all out by the time I key in the final period.