I've seen it over and over again, a group of people hanging out together, where most are texting. Not just a quick text, close the phone and put it away. They are carrying on full blow conversations with people that aren't there while tuning out the conversation going on aroud them. That is of course if the one or two people not texting are able to carry one on. Iv'e seen husbands ignoring wives and children at Disneyland. More content to text than to see their daughters face light up as the Dumbo ride begins. What is going on? People seem to be losing the ability to actually talk to one another. Soon text words will replace real words on kids school assignments. It happens to me from time to time. Is technology better for us? Hundreds of people in our contact lists, in some cases thousands on our friends list. All for what? People you will not meet and who provide you with nothing more
than confirmation you are popular, witty, or beautiful. I know I'm guilty of all of the above. Scary

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Goals. What are my goals right now? Well writing... and losing weight... and definately having more fun. The weight loss is under control, the writing comes and goes, but the having more fun has become difficult. I will not start going out without Alex. I don't want to cause drama in my life. The other problem hindering all the fun is meeting girls. I really need to work on flirting. I never really mastered it, I didn't need to. That was one of the things I loved about Jayme. She was such a natural. A true social butterfly. Now if all of that came from the bottom of an addios m*f* thats another issue. But ah how I wish I possed that talent. All the girls I would fuck, all the free drinks I would score. Thats something I want to work on.

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Working out sucks! I hate dreading the workout. I hate working out during the workout. The only part I like is being done.
Doing the Insanity workout is even worse. It's just go go go. My calves are on fire my quads are on fire and the arches of my feet KILL me. It's been a little over 2 weeks. By now I expected to not be sore anymore. But because it's so intense I'm working out at max ability and it's just a new soreness every day.
Right now the biggest problem I'm facing is my candy cravings. I just can't seem to keep my hands off the junk food as long as there is some in the house. Chocolate is the worst! I'm ok for most of the day, but once it hits like 3 o'clock thats it it's over. I guess thats something I need to work on for the remaining 45 days.
Ahhh... only 45 days of torture left. Well I'll be sure to fill you in on how it went... if I survive ;)

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revising my goals for 2010. There is only one way to make progress in life. That is, you figure out where you want to be and then plot your course. For example. In 08 I wanted a girlfriend. well I got one. An alcoholic one that I regretted but I still got one. In 09 i really wanted to lose weight. I started P90X in April and lost 25 lbs. There were pleanty of other things I wanted those years as well. But those were the ones I fought for. What do I want now is the question. Well I want
1 lose 25 more lbs
2 a JOB
3 a house
4 get something published!
5 i want to have more fun
Now I just need to focus on doing it. Make sure I keep my eyes on the prize and work to get there. I usually tend to be single minded in the persuit of a goal. This time I really need to focus on them all.

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I'm all stressed out over taxes. Being self employed sucks big time. Adding up tons of receipts and prayin you didn't make a mistake is torture. Add to that the fact that we want to buy a house this year and I'm leaving out some of the deductions we deserve for qualifying sake. But if we end up paying the tax man all our savings we won't be able to qualify anyway. If we take all our deductions we may end up with some money back... but may not qualify. all this stress sucks! When we got home from our appointment with the tax preparer, Damien put it all into perspective for me. We're just rats. Hairless ones to be exact. isn't that the truth. Some things don't really matter. Scribbling on the sidewalk in chalk and pretending to be a hairless rat is what really matters in the end. It isn't where we play but how we play that makes us happy. I'll worry about the taxes once they are done.
for now I'll just enjoy the moment

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I'm going to start a new work out program on saturday! I'm excited (obviously), because this is a 63 day program. When we did P90X it was easy to keep at it because I knew I was only putting myself through hell for a limited time. This time it'll be worse than hell... but only for 63 days. i can survive that. What I'll do afterward is the question. Once we completed P90X it was impossible to do it over again and be faithful to it. Part of the problem is I can't fool myself saying it's only x many days left. Part of it is that during the winter months it gets dark earlier so that phsycologically I just feel tired when I see it's so dark out. I hope that now that the daylight is lasting longer I'll have more energy.
This time when we finnish it'll be just in time for Alex's birthday. That's motivation enough. I really want to take him to the opera, and I'd love to be in a new smaller little black dress when I do.

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Do u ever get tired of the bullshit online? I do. I'm tired of being bombarded by the minutia of everyone's daily lives. I'm sure I'm just as guilty. I read the question, "What's on ur mind?" and I'm compelled to write something, anything. Why is that? Why do we feel the need to connect with others in this forum? We may pass dozens of people on the street, in the mall, at the store and never say hello. We rush home to our computers and reah out to perfect strangers. Somtimes our sense of self worth is tangled up in it. Did they accept? Did they comment on my witty remark? Did anyone miss me so much that they wrote me a message or commented on my page?
What the hell is happening to us? We shun the people we see every day. We find it difficult to reach out to real people we can sit and talk to. We are losing our ability to connect with real people. Prefering tht safety and annonymity of the internet. If this is what happend to us in the past 15 years what does that say for the next?

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