FWD:

I hate shopping for clothes. H-A-T-E it. I'm at that akward size where you're too fat for skinny clothes and too small for plus size clothes. Fight as hard I can I just can't make it budge enough. My waist is small but my ass is big. Pants that fit my butt leave a gap in the waist. Right waist, misshapen butt. Big boobs, big arms means that regular sized tops are too tight. plus size tops are either completely with out form, or at plus size specialty stores way too big in the wrong places. I really really hate shopping. It's a big blow to my self esteem and way too frustrating. There are pleanty of fashionable plus size women, who shop at specialty stores that cater to their body type. There are many many more for the skinny people. But nothing for those in between. Do I need to resort to seeing a tailor? take these in here, here, and here, let them out here, and leave everything
else as it is? Sounds expensive.

Rolling My Eyes

R we in the 50's? On The Talk, they unvailed the must have gifts for women. Among the ites were a labler, with pink tape, a special steam iron, and diamond earings. Really? These are the must have's? These are certainly not the things on my wish list. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm lacking a domestic gene. I don't know what I want for christmas but I know what I don't want. They also had TiVo on the list. You know how we women get when we miss our stories! I mean come on!
This brings up the question, what should have been on that list.
1. Boots, sexy, lucious boots (hold the fur, this isn't Alaska)
2. A book. Yes a book by my favorite author shows that u know a little about me.
3. A big, flashy, fake, jeweled ring. A ring that makes a statement. A ring that says "here's ur way of striking up a convo with me."
4. a spa day!
5. A maid (for just one day would be enough)

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Why do certain things from the past haunt u forever? Sometimes they slink away into the darkness, but the tip of their tail can still be seen, swishing back and forth, biding it's time. sometimes these things pounce on you at very expected moments, like during a heated argument. Other times they sneek up on you, like during head. A brief almost playfull, swat across the face with it's giant paw, claws, thankfully, retracted. Just a "Hey, I haven't forgotten. Don't you forget either."

If there is a way of putting these bitches to rest, I haven't lived long enough to find out. All I know is that for now in a dark corner of both our minds it licks it's chops and swishes it's tail, biding it's time.

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When things nag me I can't write about things I want to write about. Now that I've gotten it out of my head I can focus on what I want to think about. The rest of the night at the party on Saturday was fine. I get annoyed at times and have either moments of clarity or insanity. You want to know what the real issue is? I'm so fed up with being the sexually dominant one. I'm fed up with making all the decissions, with being the leader. I've gone from one extrem to the other. Back in my younger (way younger) days things were done to me. I had no control, no say, in the matter. Once I became sexually active of my own free will I always had the say. The guys were content to just let me do my thing. I've come full circle, I've healed (mostly), and now I want both. I want to dominate and be dominated (not whips and paddles, though maybe sometimes). I don't need to feel in control
anymore. Now I'm ready for some balance. I practically beg for it and all I get are feeble attempts.

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at this swingers party but can't have fun. there is something off. has been off for a while. i'm hiding in the bathroom giving him time alone. for some reason i find myself in here contemplating the future of our marriage. i'm just not feeling it. period. i find myself wondering how the single life would feel. not to go out and party, but just to be me without him. to be me without his critical eye and closed minded opinions. what a place to be having these thoughts!

I have to wonder what teenagers think when they hear adults talk about their mental abilities. i caught a brief moment of the defense cross on a case where a teen shot a freshman student in the bathroom.
Makes my blood boil to hear "experts testifying about how the teenage brain is not able to ]ada yada. I was a teen once. I put my life at risk many many times. However I never put anyone else's life at risk. At 15 I refused to allow my friends to drive while high. We had to walk 2 miles to cure the munchies at the nearest am pm. I wanted nothing more than to drop a tab of acid. I didn't because someday I'd be driving down the street with my children in the car. The worst possible time for an acid flashback. If I was able to take into account children that haden't been born yet, the lives of strangers on the street, I was certainly capable of considering the lives of fellow students while planning mass murder. Teenagers everywhere must cringe everytime experts testify.