I love my husband but after 5 days at home with him, I've been in desperate need of me time. I need some time to unplug. Time I used to get while I was at work. God I miss working!
I miss talking to adults, feeling important, earning my own money, paying my own bills. I don't like feeling like I have to depend on someone else. I've never liked feeling like I had to depend on someone else. It's dangerous to depend on someone else that way. That's a lot of power to give to someone else. When you don't have the money you would need to get away. You end up having to put up with all kinds of bullshit. I did put up with bullshit in the past. bullshit from my mother, even bullshit from my prince charming back when he wasn't so charming. I no longer need to make as much as him to keep the balance of power in check. Now we ARE partners, instead of pretending to be. We no longer try to maintain a leg up on the other, but maintaining a bit of independance is absolutly essential to survival!

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FWD:

What am I going to say today? Well to start off with I've been talking to a few girls. However I feel like I'm waisting my time. Most of these girls aren't serious about meeting up. Or they are but they have a boyfriend, or girlfriend. I'm not interested in hooking up with a couple. I don't want any drama either. One of the girls I'm talking to said I'm like a guy, and I guess I am. I'm not looking for love. I just want to have fun. I don't play games with the girls I see. They know I talk to other girls. They know what I want. Why is it hard to find other girls like me?
Sometimes I find it so exhausting! I can't sit back and wait for girls to hit on me. I have to go out and hit on them. Since I've never really dated before I find it tiresome. I have the most fun hooking up with girls in a club and leave it at that. No exchange of numbers. Shit sometimes I don't even know their names. But that way there is no will she call, should I call? It's just wow last night was fun.

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threesomes arent always what u want them to be. sometimes the fantasy is better. sometimes the 3rd wheel has drama. i never think about that. i dont have guilty feelings about cheating because as defined in our relationship i'm not. even when he's not there. but the girls that i date have boyfriends or girlfriends. I wish rhey'd be honnest with their partner so i dont have to go home all horny because they feel guilty half way through. Maybe I'm in the wrong cuz their is someone that can be hurt by it. but i dont want a girlfriend. i just want to have fun and so do they. they cant get jealous of my man or the other girls i hook up with cuz they have their own. it leaves me drama free... at least untill their girl finds out and starts calling me a home wrecker! i know its wrong but i dont really care. i'm just going to do what i want. my policy is to be honest. if u dont tell ur girl oe
ur guy what ur up to then thats on u. not me. next time make me cum before ur conscience kicks in!

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so things have been going really good. i've been getting over the shyness.. chatting with random people and hitting on girls. right now there are strong potentials.. one of them is a sure thing. I dont like juggling too many and put the other 3 on the back burner. Maybe I'll get to them later though i'm sure when i put them on the back burner it was because i wasn't that into them to begin with. I still try to add more though. every time we go out i keep an eye out for any one that i find attractive. when we went to aqua there was someone that caught my attention. seemed like there was a moment. but i wasnt brave enough to jump on it. i hesitated. and when i finally worked up my nerve i couldn't find her. some funny music comes on a change from the hip hop they had been playing. a burlesque show begins. and who is the dancer? the woman i spent most of the night looking for. well
then it seemed too late. i didnt want to seem sleezy like the guys that were drooling over her.

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i haven't written anything in a while. I miss it so much! I miss grabbing onto an idea and getting it on paper. Even when the ideas don't go anywhere. It just feels so good to reread them later. It takes me back to the moment i wrote it and i can remember exactly how i felt. so my goal right now is to just write whenever and whatever i want. maybe submit some more of my work and get something published this year.

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