highish

highish.  coming down and everything is quiet, mellow, and slow.  Even the sound of the birds chirping seems to be broadcast at a slower speed.  Its nice.  My thoughts are slow and pooled around me stuck in molasses.  Its nice to watch them wading by.  Like the cover for frog and toad.  row row row, slow slow slow.  This may be the first time my thoughts aren't running wild in my head.  They are all stoned now and look like meg and stewie, deflated.

anyway, there were lots of thoughts going on at the same time when I brought the comp out.  Like high sex, phone sex, swinging sex, and the ultimate safe sex, where the other person lives in another state and neither of you are flying out to meet the other-ever.

i was also thinking of dmx cuz i was listening to up in here and the lyric about looking at the roof of the church, made me think of gang bangers.  I knew kids who got shot, and kids that got shot and died.  I was attracted to that lifestyle at first.  I knew it could never be a long term thing cuz having kids that have to grow up without a dad cuz he got shot up is a fucked up thing.  A for life fucked you up forever kind of way.  I would never want to see my kids live that kind of lifestyle or be hurt because of it.

Makes me think of the ways that I'm fucked up for life.  I know i am but I'm not necessarily wishing it never happened.  Everything that happened helped shape me.  I made the best out of every situation and turned it into an advantage.  I happen to love the person that I am, and yeah it sucked my dad was more into coke than his daughter but fuck that looser.  I'm glad I only saw him a few times after the age of 4.  He was fucked up white trash and he did me a favor by not coming by. 

Want to know what I'm focused on right now?  Getting hotter.  I think I'm hitting my sexual peak and am always on the prowl for sexual attention.  I'm not out fucking anyone or even talking to anyone, but god I love to see the way guys check me out.  It sucks to feel anonymous.  Sucks to feel like you're invisible.  I'm not anymore, and everyday I'm getting hotter.  (that's the lie I'm telling myself and you're not allowed to burst my bubble).  Getting high in the am, cleaning up the house and tripping.  Getting high keeps me from being bored and pigging out on junk or vegging in front of the t.v.  By the time I'm done cleaning I have to get ready, of course I do because I always have to be looking good, you never know.  After that I eat a small lunch and my high is gone.  I go about the rest of the day back to normal.  Dinner and done.  Lost 5 lbs so it's working.  Lets call it the I want to be fucking hot diet.

I want to be hot in all ways.  Like if a guy watches me eat he should get hard.  I should be able to eat anything and make it look and sound hot.  The way I drive too, and I already know I'm a hot driver.  So itching to race someone that can race like me and not like a dumb ass.  don't drive all herky jerky.  don't step on it and then have to hit the breaks.  Weave and flow and tune in.  You should never have to hit your breaks.  I've only ever once raced a guy that drove like me.  SO HOT!!  I need that too.  I need a job I can hop on the freeway for.